


Why I Can't (Or Won't)

by Fandoms_For_The_President



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: 19th Century, Coming Out, Episode: 2015 Xmas Sherlock Christmas Special, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:23:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_For_The_President/pseuds/Fandoms_For_The_President
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something ridiculously short which I intend to extend as soon as possible.</p><p>Coda to the Christmas Special, in which Sherlock really explains why he can't be close to anyone to John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why I Can't (Or Won't)

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is really short, so I either will extend it or rewrite it or add a chapter or something, okay? I hope you enjoy it.

"But Sherlock, you never really answered what I had asked, why _can'_ t you be close to anyone?" asked John one day, while they were eating the meal Mrs. Hudson had prepared for them. "You are human, I know you... I know you must have urges, it's human  _nature-"_

"I don't. Not if I can ignore them," Sherlock replied simply, looking suddenly all too interested in his dinner.

"Ignore them, what do you mean?" John asked, puzzled, and Sherlock didn't answer. "Sherlock, what do you mean by stating you ignore your urges?"

"I mean exactly what I stated, John, and I believe what I said was quite self-explanatory. I ignore the _feelings_ , the things that keep me bound, the things that make me  _ordinary_ ; I ignore everything that can possibly distract me from the cause."

"So you ignore to not be  _human_ , eh?" John said, quite seriously. How could his friend possibly think that _feeling_ was such a bad thing, such an _abomination_? 

"That is, if you want to hear that," Sherlock tried to end the conversation. "Now will you let me eat in peace?"

"But Sherlock, you must be at least... _curious_ every once in a while! No woman at all in your mind? Do you really think that you can stay out of a woman's path, a woman whom you may fall for, for the rest of your life?"

"Don't you know me, Watson, it's  _me_! My mind always wins. I conquer over my body, it does not conquer me," Sherlock said, rather to himself. His tie was starting to choke him now, he really didn't want to have such a conversation with his friend. 

"But... How? How can you be so sure that you will never fall in love? We all fall in love, eventually, and you will find a lady that will-"

"There is no lady, John!" He blurted out. He had dropped his fork in aggression, his head was pounding with nerve and he hated himself for it, but  _oh was he afraid._ "There is no woman to  _steal my heart,_ if you may dare, and there will never be!"

"But how can you-"

"Be so sure? I am so sure, because the fair sex is  _not in my interest!_ " There it was, he had said it. He never said it out loud, not even in front of his brother, who  _knew_ , not when John had gotten married, not when they had met,  _never_. Though, he should have supposed that John would be the first one to make him admit, John was the first at many things in his life. And now, John was just shocked, he was still, trying to process the words Sherlock had managed to get out go his mouth. He was an open book to Sherlock, yet so close and unreadable then. His eyes Sherlock loved so much were filled with multiple unexplainable thoughts, thoughts that Sherlock would kill to know. 

"Are you saying that you are...  _queer_?" John whispered, and the word made Sherlock cringe. He shut his eyes, not wanting to meet John's, and hoped that Mrs. Hudson had heard nothing. 

"Yes," he managed to get out without his voice cracking. John's heart broke, his heart broke for his friend who was a drug addict, who liked gambling with his life, who, although he clearly felt, refused to show any emotion; who had to hide a part of him to be accepted, even from the border. He gently put his hand on Sherlock's shoulder, patting slightly.

"It's okay," he said softly. "It will be okay." They sat like that for some time, until Mrs. Hudson came with tea, only then they broke apart, but both of them knew it was a matter that would be mentioned later. But now? Now they had a case to solve.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, crappy, but it's literally 2 am here guys, so I'll go back and extend or rewrite or something in the morning. Hope you enjoyed it, please comment or leave a kudos if you did, I would really appreciate it ^-^


End file.
